“Fading into Obscurity…”

(my most personal, raw, scary, & revealing post yet...)

Merriam-Webster defines “Obscurity” as : the state of being unknown or forgotten. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/obscurity

In the past, I was somewhat of an “extrovert.” I loved meeting new people. I am an Advanced Toastmaster and have spoken to groups as large as 1,000+ people, fearlessly. My professional background is in Sales. Presentations? No problem. I realized that I have the gift of establishing “instant rapport” and gaining trust. I was "Ms. Independent" and a total Control Freak.

I absolutely loved serving at my church – from being my minister’s loyal Staff Assistant; to being a reliable, valuable resource to our leadership, office administration, assistant ministers, and 50+ ministries.

I took the “lead” when it came to family activities. I was a “Mover & Shaker” and loved “being in the know.”

Funny, what an unexpected, devastating health diagnosis can do. It's as though my life came to a “screeching halt.”

I was diagnosed with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis almost 2 years ago. And it has taken me this long to even say it or write about it without breaking-down crying. (O.K???...Getting there…as tears roll down my face…)

My minister helped me realize that I am experiencing the “Stages of Grief.” I am grieving the “death” or the end of my life, as I knew it. I am still bargaining with God, resenting, and not-yet-fully-accepting having to adjust my life to adapt to this “New Normal.”

I was told by an MS Counselor that: Cognitively & Logistically – I appear to have it all together. However, Emotionally?? I seem to be struggling…
And then to tops things off...my employer eliminated my entire national division.

Being forced to “be still” has been very revealing. I NOW see that everything that I was "so busy” doing…everyone that I thought relied on me…everything that I was so “obsessed about”…is moving right along…without me...without my involvement or my input.

I am feeling as though I am“no longer relevant”…

I had an “Aha Moment” during the Tennessee Titans' 2013 Football season. I identified with Jake Locker, the Quarterback. He was so used to Coach Mike Munchak relying on him for game strategy and team leadership. But after his injuries…he realized that he was no longer “on the field” or even “in the game.” Although Coach Munchak respected him & what he had brought to the team in the past, he no longer needed to confer with him. Games still needed to be won…Playoffs need to be earned…the Super Bowl goal still needed to be met. WOW!...what a “light bulb” moment…

I have been trying to retreat…similar to a turtle pulling its head back into its shell. Words like "Joy, Happiness, & Fun" are somewhat elusive to me. I have become quiet; less opinionated; less confident; more evasive; more reclusive; less participatory. I find that I am even dressing in subtle, non-attention-drawing clothes. Please, let me just ease into the background...out-of-sight-out-of-mind, behind-the-curtains, in the darkness, invisible... 

I am trying to “Fade into Obscruity.”

But, apparently, GOD has other plans for me. You See?...HE Won’t Let Me!!!

I thought I could simply “hide” behind my computer & my own personal journal.

However, it is as though HE has gently “nudged” me forward via blogging.

Blogging has pushed me into writing (something I have always loved to do – but never had time to pursue.) I am humbled that my blog seems to have resonated with so many people.

For the first time in my life, I feel that I am truly learning to “surrender” and really TRUST GOD.

It’s as though I am floating along in a row boat…

Can’t Swim…
No Life Jacket…
No Oars…
No Compass...

Just Floating out into the Unknown…toward that endless Horizon...
I hear one of my favorite scriptures speaking to me. Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV): 
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”

I must allow the LORD to direct my path, chart my course, & determine my destination. I don't know where I am going. I will just sit back and enjoy the journey…

Feel free to join me…