FORGIVE while...Remembering???

We are often given the advice to “Forgive and Forget.” 

Merriam-Webster defines these words as:

Forgive: to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong): to stop blaming (someone) : to stop feeling anger about (something) : to forgive someone for (something wrong)  http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forgive

Forget: to be unable to think of or remember (something) :to stop thinking or caring about : to cease from doing :to disregard intentionally :to give up hope for or expectation of :to cease remembering or noticing  http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forget

I have found it difficult to reconcile this advice. I can forgive; but, if I forget, will I be vulnerable to this happening to me again?

Case in Point:  People of Jewish descent. They have forgiven the Hitler regime for the atrocities done to them and their ancestors during the Holocaust. However, Jewish children are taught about the Holocaust at a very early age. Their rationale is that “what is forgotten can be repeated.”

http://www.kveller.com/preschooler/How_To_Talk_About/holocaust-talking-to-kids.shtml

“As the Nobel laureate Elie Wiesel warned years ago, to forget a holocaust is to kill twice.” ― Iris Chang, The Rape of Nanking

Although I don’t closely adhere to Zodiac Signs, I am Taurus, the Bull. One of our characteristics is that we are very loyal. But once that trust is breached, it is virtually impossible to earn back.

In my early professional career, I lowered my defenses and trusted a colleague who I believed to be a dear friend and confidante’ for almost 9 years – all throughout my naïve’ 20’s. Although 2+2 never quite added up to 4, I ignored these red flags. I was profoundly loyal and trusted her completely & unconditionally, going out of my way to do any and everything in the world for her.

When an intervention occurred of other friends trying to enlighten me, I still refused to believe them. It took them repeating to me things she had told them very freely – my most intimate, embarrassing secrets that I had only ever told her – for me to have my eyes opened. I practically hyperventilated! I felt as though someone had literally punched me in the stomach – leaving me unable to breathe. This ultimate betrayal was overwhelming. I was inconsolable.

I am sad to say that my erratic response, although very effective & professionally executed, was not reflective of my authentic self. I remember being upset with my cousin, who reminded me of Matthew 18:15 by saying, "You really should have went to her, and her alone." I emotionally rejected this advice. I humbly wish I hadn't.

Lesson Learned: “When someone does something wrong to you, without forgiveness, you become them.”

Nevertheless, I still have lasting scars of remembrance. Trusting others now is very difficult. The endearing term "friend" is used very cautiously.

I ended up working with her again years later, as well as crossing paths at a few social events. Will I ever trust her again? Unlikely. Although I still remember the hurt and betrayal I endured, I was and am, even now, able to think of her fondly and wish her well. 

One of the most memorable lines in the Tyler Perry movie, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Madea gives advice to her domestically-abused niece, Helen: 

“You think  you over something? You think you're ready to get on with your life? This is how you really find out if you're over someone: If you get the opportunity to get even with someone and you don't take it, then you're over it…”  http://jusbreathe-magically.blogspot.com/2008/07/diary-of-mad-black-woman.html

Powerful Quotes to Remind You:

• “Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got.” – Robert Brault
• “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” – John F. Kennedy
• “Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go, along with your anger. Just wish them well and take care of yourself.” – unknown
• “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis Smedes
• “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. It’s accepting the past for what it was, and using this time and this moment to help yourself move forward.” – Oprah Winfrey
• “Forgive them, even if they are not sorry. Holding onto anger only hurts you, not them.” – unknown
• “When tempted to ‘Fight Fire with Fire', remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.” – unknown
•  “True Forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank You for that Experience.’ “ – Oprah Winfrey

I Challenge You to “Forgive while Remembering”, Accept the Lessons Learned, Forgive Yourself, and Move Forward…