“When You Just Don’t Know What to Say…”

I found that, during my life-time, we often are unsure as to what to say to others during uneasy times such as death, accidents, and illnesses.

Here are a few classics:

“I am so sorry….”

My Question:  Sorry for What?  You didn’t cause their death. You didn’t cause the accident or unfortunate circumstance to occur. What exactly are you sorry for?

“If you need anything…anything at all…just give me a call…”

Those of us who have dealt with death now understand that you ALWAYS need something…whether you realize it or not. It may be ice, food, toilet paper, paper plates, someone to help deal with visitors, someone to answer the phone, etc. When I dealt with the tragic death of my oldest brother, I could barely remember MY OWN phone number, better yet, anyone else’s. Plus…you are already feeling overwhelmed with grief. No one wants to feel guilty obligating people to tasks, even though they offered. And who can possibly remember who offered?

 “I will pray for you…”

Sounds nice & ecclesiastical. Do you mean it? When exactly will you pray? 

However, life experiences have taught me that, oftentimes, people just say what is the typical response. It sounds caring and sympathetic…but does not bind them to any commitment of action. It actually just helps them feel good about themselves.

When I hear these “canned” responses, I quietly think to myself, "They haven’t gone through anything yet."

I find myself reminded of the old hymn we sing at church and is often sung at funerals, “Farther Along” – W.B. Stevens. The chorus is:

“Farther along we’ll, know all about it…

Farther along we’ll, understand why…

Cheer up my brother…

Live in the Sunshine…

We’ll understand it, all by and by…”

I was so guilty of this. I used to pride myself of being known as a compassionate, caring person. When someone experienced a death or unfortunate circumstance, I was the first to say…”I’m so sorry. I will pray for you…”

I did just that to a former colleague, after the death of her father from an extended battle with cancer. I remember her looking at me and replying “Thank You.”  However, her eyes were somewhat empty. Although I was perplexed by this…I marched off…feeling good about myself.

Two weeks later, my oldest brother, 32 years old, is killed tragically in an automobile accident. I had just spent Easter Sunday with him and my family a week ago. At a tender 25 years of age, this was my first experience with death so up close & personal.

I finally came back to work from Bereavement Leave a week later. After about 40 “I’m sorry’s,” and inquiries about his death, I emotionally could take no more.

As I gathered my things to leave, the colleague & I made eye contact. I looked at her…now, I understood. She quietly walked over to me…and without uttering one word…gave me a long, warm embrace, while we both shed quiet tears of sorrow. I had now evolved from “Sympathy” to “Empathy.”

Best Practices To Consider:

• I now say, “I will call YOU to find out what you may need.”
• Sometimes, SILENCE is best. Just lend an ear for them to express themselves or shoulder for them to cry on. No judgement…no commentary. 
• Express sympathy the best way you can…whether by a card, flowers, food, presence at the funeral, visits to the family, or even a very heart-felt, sincere prayer…whatever is authentic for you.

You truly do not know what you will do until it happens to you…

And, it will.

Just Keep Living…