“When People Mistreat You…”

"When people mistreat you, without forgiveness, you become them.” –  David Jones, Jr., Ed.D.

This wisdom hit me right between the eyes many years ago:

I had just begun my professional corporate career in Sales, first job straight out of college. I was the youngest in my department, very naïve and overly-trusting. I lowered my defenses and trusted a colleague who I believed to be a dear friend and confidante’ for almost 9 years – all throughout my naïve’ 20’s. 

Although “2+2 never quite added up to 4,” I ignored these red flags. I was profoundly loyal, trusted her completely and unconditionally, going out of my way to do any and everything in the world for her.

When an intervention occurred of other friends trying to enlighten me, I still refused to believe them. I continued defending her. It took them repeating to me things she had told them very freely (my most intimate, embarrassing secrets that I had ONLY ever told her) and the horrible, cruel things she said about me for me to have my eyes opened. I practically hyperventilated! I felt as though someone had literally punched me in the stomach – leaving me unable to breathe. Was I that blind?! This ultimate betrayal was overwhelming. I cried and grieved uncontrollably. I was inconsolable...

I am sad to say that my erratic, emotionally-charged response, although very effective and professionally-executed, was not reflective of my authentic self. I utilized every game, ploy and back-door maneuver I had ever seen her do to expose her, pass judgment and and ultimately, hurt her as much as she had hurt me. "An eye for an eye..." right???

I remember being upset with my cousin, who was also our co-worker and her friend. She reminded me of Matthew 18:15 by saying, "You really should have gone to her, and her alone." I emotionally rejected this advice. (I humbly wish I hadn't...)

I finally "came to myself" and went to her to apologize for my behavior. She refused it, very angry at having been out-played on her own game. (She NEVER - even to this day - apologized to me.)

I realized several things from this experience. First, that only "hurt people hurt people." She was hurting...and as a devoted friend...I missed it. For this, I have deep regrets. Secondly, that she was an excellent, unknowing teacher…and I had become the consummate student. I was flawless…I had trumped her at her own pain-inflicting, manipulative game. I had become everything that I resented and that appalled me about her…I had become her!

I ended up working with her again years later, as well as crossing paths at a few social events. Will I ever trust her again? Unlikely. Although I still remember the hurt and betrayal I endured, I was and am, even now, able to think of her fondly and wish her well. I had to forgive her…I had to forgive myself…

The Bible says:

1 Peter 3:9 (NIV): 9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

Luke 6:37 (NIV):  37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Ephesians 4:32 (NIV):  32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Colossians 3:13 (NIV):  13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Matthew 6:15 (NIV):  15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Memorable Quotes

“Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior... Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart.:” – Justin and Trisha Davis

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” – Robert Brault
"An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind." - Mahatma Gandhi

“Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.” – Anonymous

“Be careful with your words. Once they are said, they can be only forgiven, not forgotten.”

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

“Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what now seems so obvious in hindsight.” – Judy Belmont

 “Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not.”

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." – Dr. Maya Angelou

Don’t become who the world influences you to be. Forgive others, forgive yourself and be who God wants you to be…