“You Have The Right To Remain Silent…”

We often think of this phrase as one stated by the Police, advising the suspect of his or her “Miranda Rights.” This warning is read after an arrest has been made and before police questioning is conducted.

The Miranda Warning says:

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?”   http://www.mirandarights.org/prearrestquestioning.html

I have found that this has implications for everyday life.

Once in my past, I went through a very rough time. I know I must have been a juicy subject to gossip about. One of the most profound pieces of advice I received was from my Daddy. A normally mild-mannered man, he fiercely and adamantly told me: “You don’t owe anyone an explanation of your life!”

Another learning lesson happened several years ago. I experienced some unexpected health issues that affected my speech. I found myself “not talking” in fear of a relapse. This was an eye-opening experience. It is amazing what you learn when you are forced to BE QUIET. You hear a lot of things you normally wouldn't because you have typically been doing all of the talking.

We ALL should be very thoughtful of our conversation. You let people know exactly who you are. I love Maya Angelou’s quote: “When people show you (tell you) who they are, believe them.”

People can ask you anything they choose. You have the right & choice as to what you respond to.

Sometimes, the best response is NO RESPONSE.

"Silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing." - William S. Burroughs

Silence IS Golden.

Remember…You Have the RIGHT to Remain Silent…

Learn to exercise this right.

Shhh…

“When You Just Don’t Know What to Say…”

I found that, during my life-time, we often are unsure as to what to say to others during uneasy times such as death, accidents, and illnesses.

Here are a few classics:

“I am so sorry….”

My Question:  Sorry for What?  You didn’t cause their death. You didn’t cause the accident or unfortunate circumstance to occur. What exactly are you sorry for?

“If you need anything…anything at all…just give me a call…”

Those of us who have dealt with death now understand that you ALWAYS need something…whether you realize it or not. It may be ice, food, toilet paper, paper plates, someone to help deal with visitors, someone to answer the phone, etc. When I dealt with the tragic death of my oldest brother, I could barely remember MY OWN phone number, better yet, anyone else’s. Plus…you are already feeling overwhelmed with grief. No one wants to feel guilty obligating people to tasks, even though they offered. And who can possibly remember who offered?

 “I will pray for you…”

Sounds nice & ecclesiastical. Do you mean it? When exactly will you pray? 

However, life experiences have taught me that, oftentimes, people just say what is the typical response. It sounds caring and sympathetic…but does not bind them to any commitment of action. It actually just helps them feel good about themselves.

When I hear these “canned” responses, I quietly think to myself, "They haven’t gone through anything yet."

I find myself reminded of the old hymn we sing at church and is often sung at funerals, “Farther Along” – W.B. Stevens. The chorus is:

“Farther along we’ll, know all about it…

Farther along we’ll, understand why…

Cheer up my brother…

Live in the Sunshine…

We’ll understand it, all by and by…”

I was so guilty of this. I used to pride myself of being known as a compassionate, caring person. When someone experienced a death or unfortunate circumstance, I was the first to say…”I’m so sorry. I will pray for you…”

I did just that to a former colleague, after the death of her father from an extended battle with cancer. I remember her looking at me and replying “Thank You.”  However, her eyes were somewhat empty. Although I was perplexed by this…I marched off…feeling good about myself.

Two weeks later, my oldest brother, 32 years old, is killed tragically in an automobile accident. I had just spent Easter Sunday with him and my family a week ago. At a tender 25 years of age, this was my first experience with death so up close & personal.

I finally came back to work from Bereavement Leave a week later. After about 40 “I’m sorry’s,” and inquiries about his death, I emotionally could take no more.

As I gathered my things to leave, the colleague & I made eye contact. I looked at her…now, I understood. She quietly walked over to me…and without uttering one word…gave me a long, warm embrace, while we both shed quiet tears of sorrow. I had now evolved from “Sympathy” to “Empathy.”

Best Practices To Consider:

• I now say, “I will call YOU to find out what you may need.”
• Sometimes, SILENCE is best. Just lend an ear for them to express themselves or shoulder for them to cry on. No judgement…no commentary. 
• Express sympathy the best way you can…whether by a card, flowers, food, presence at the funeral, visits to the family, or even a very heart-felt, sincere prayer…whatever is authentic for you.

You truly do not know what you will do until it happens to you…

And, it will.

Just Keep Living…

“Comfort from my Murphy Dog”

When I was 20-years-old and in college, I convinced my niece – she was 7 years old – to let me have one of her stuffed animals to take back with me. She loved them and owned over 30.

She allowed me to pick out the one I wanted. I chose a stuffed puppy dog – posed as though he was sleeping. Since Beverly Hills Cop & Eddie Murphy was a huge rave at the time, I named him “Murphy.”

Even today in 2014, I still sleep with Murphy. He occupies the vacant side of my bed. Some nights, I clutch him tightly as I drift off to sleep. I find comfort in knowing that he is there.

I loved Murphy Dog so deeply, that my niece actually crocheted a picture of him for me, which I framed.

Once, many years ago, one of my relatives hid him from me. They thought it was a joke. I panicked! I had become so reliant on Murphy for comfort and stability. I was nonchalant with my family…as though it didn’t matter. On the outside, I was smiling; on the inside, I was devastated. I literally “grieved” his absence. 

Then – each day got better. I finally reached a point that I could function without him. I had managed to “move beyond my lost” of Murphy.

He finally “appeared” a few weeks later. I was glad to have him back, but I wasn’t as obsessed anymore.

This quote came to mind:

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.” ― Kahlil Gibran

Poor Murphy has been with me through numerous moves, even one out-of-state. He has been there for me through great times. He has also allowed me to clutch him tightly during rough times, absorbing my tears.

As I look at Murphy Dog, 30 years later, as he still lies peacefully on my bed, I often wonder what he would say, if he could talk. It probably would be something like this:

“Oh, I pray to you, Dear Lord, that you present this lady the HUSBAND that she so deserves. I think it is time for me to move on…”

Well, Murphy…until then…it’s just you and me… J

“Lean Not On Your Own Understanding…”

One of my favorite Bible scriptures is Proverbs 3:5-6:

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV):

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths.

As I mature, I now resolve that I cannot “Lean on my Own Understanding.”  I am now coming to grips with the fact that I am not meant to understand everything.  That is why I am supposed to just TRUST HIM.

Case in point:

I don’t understand…why people can wear $2 million dollar “bling” around their necks or on their fingers; when, for only $55,000 each, they could build 36 Habitat-for-Humanity Homes – an entire community? 

I don’t understand…why celebrities & athletes seem to believe they earned that Oscar, Grammy, Emmy, Tony, Golden Globe, Olympic Gold Medal, or NBA-NFL-MLB Championship Ring all by themselves...with no help from GOD?

I don’t understand…why we now seem to honor and have more respect for animals than Human Beings?

I don’t understand…why people demand that you agree with their point-of-view; and when you don’t, accuse you of HATE?
I don't understand...why everyone wants a gun, yet school shootings have increased?

I don’t understand…why children get sick and die?

I don’t understand…why do we no longer seem to “respect our elders?”

I don’t understand…why has “marriage” become such a joke, with divorce rates exceeding 50%+. What happened to “for better or worse, through sickness and in health; forsaking all others, for as long as we both shall live...” ??? 

I don’t understand…why do we seem to think we created ourselves and know more about our lives than our CREATOR?

I don’t understand…why Good People seem to DIE too soon?

I don’t understand…why people are late to worship the LORD on Sunday morning, but on-time for their job on Monday morning?

Why...I ask? 

And the answer I must accept is…It's not mine to know…

Judging vs. Good Judgement…

It is interesting how we totally misunderstand the difference between judging and good judgement.

Dictionary.com defines:

Judge:

Verb - to form a judgment or opinion of; decide upon critically; to decide or settle authoritatively; to infer, think, or hold as an opinion; conclude about or assess

Judgement:

Noun - the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion

Matthew 7:1-5 (NKJV) talks about the mandate “Do Not Judge.”

It states:  1 “Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Sometimes we get so busy judging others that we don’t even notice that they are also judging you. Often, if we are not careful, we are worse than those we are judging. We often find people GUILTY and pass the sentence on what WE think it should be…when we had no authority to do so in the first place.

We should spend more time in using “good judgement” towards each other and making better decisions about our OWN lives.

NOW HEAR THIS:   GOD did not appoint or anoint you as “Judge of the Universe.”

HE already sees & knows everything we think, say, or do…even before we think, say or do it.

As the younger generation says:  HE Got This! 

HE just needs you to be OBEDIENT. (defined as "willing to do what someone tells you to do or follow a law - www.merriam-webster.com)

God has lessons we all need to take. We need to STOP interfering with other people’s lessons & TAKE YOUR OWN.

------------

A harsh memory for me was when I was in the 3^rd grade. I loved being a “Goodie-Goodie-Two-Shoes” and somewhat of a teacher’s pet. Mrs. Limbaugh had told the class to stop talking or we would get a paddling. (I know…unheard of these days…but very effective.)

Well...I felt it was my DUTY to emphasize, loudly and with authority, this mandate to the class.

And guess what?  Yep…she called me out into the hallway for a paddling!  I couldn’t believe it! I had broken the rule I was telling everyone not to!

My Mother was a Teacher’s Assistant at the school.  I was more petrified of her seeing me than I was of the paddling itself.  Mrs. Limbaugh had pity on me. She had another teacher be on “look-out” for my mother, gave me 3 quick wacks of the paddle and allowed me to rush back into the classroom. Major lesson learned…

Reminds me of this profound quote:

“Sometimes, you are so passionate with preaching to others to GET OUT OF THE RAIN – that other people are staring at you – because you are the only one DRIPPING WET!”

“…Make it Real Or Else Forget About It…”

I was dressing for an elegant affair one evening. My sister’s sorority was hosting their Annual Christmas Ball.  I decided to “be brave” and attend.

I did what most women do. All day long, I tried on dress after dress. Which would make me look thinner?  Girdle or Spanx?

Finally…I sang to myself (Smooth by Carlos Santana, featuring Rob Thomas…”Give me your heart, Make It Real, or else FORGET ABOUT IT!”

I’m just going to wear what I have…period.

I entered the ballroom…looking confident on the outside…major insecurity on the inside.

Finally…I paused to look around. Women were there...all shapes, sizes, and colors…just being themselves. The men with them looked proud to have them by their side. I realized that they were not focusing on me. They were busy assessing their own selves.

I truly had to admire these women. They were going with what they had, confidently…focused on having an enjoyable evening.

I decided to adapt the same attitude. Interesting what a shift in attitude can give you.  

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” - Dr. Wayne Dyer.         

I decided to tell my “inner critic” to SHUT UP and just have a great time.

And… guess what?

I did… 

Different Time-Clocks…

As I continue to grow in wisdom, I now understand what caused me a lot of frustration and stress in my past.

Primarily, it is when people didn’t seem “to get it.”

I now understand that people are going to do things when THEY are ready. They are going to take sound advice WHEN they are ready to receive it.

People are on their OWN time-clock – NOT YOURS.

Stephen Covey often talks about his TIME Management MATRIX in his book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.”  The four quadrants are:

1. Urgent – Important  (Crises; Deadline-Driven)
2. Important – Not Urgent  (Prevention; Planning)
3. Not Important – Not Urgent  (Busy work; Time-wasters)
4. Urgent – Not Important   (Interruptions; Time-sensitive)

Something #1 “Urgent - Important” to you (such as reviewing a new business venture you are involved in) may be #3 “Not Important - Not Urgent” to me.

Once we grasp this concept, we will minimize getting upset and disappointed when people don’t do what we THINK they should do when we THINK they should do it.

You may not know what’s going on in other people’s lives. They may be dealing with home issues; job stress; children challenges; health issues; over-commitments; aging parents; finances; etc.

Guess What?  “YOU are not the center of other people’s lives.”

People march to the beat of their own drum or to the drums they like…not necessarily yours.

I personally no longer allow people to stress me out trying to force me onto their agendas. I calmly think about it. If it aligns with me…then I say "Yes."  If it does not…I typically reply, “Thanks, but that doesn’t work for me”…and remain silent.

No explanations – No apologies.

“Removing the Filters…”

Putting up “filters” is what we typically do when we want to “Hear what we want to hear, and See what we want to see.”

My former manager often coached me regarding this during my weekly performance reviews.  He said I did this often when speaking to corporate clients.

For example: 

Me:  “My contact at ABC Company is too busy right now. He was traveling, just got promoted and summer-time is their busy season...”

My Manager:  “Did you ASK HIM for the business?”

Me: “Uh….No.”

My Manager: “Then you don’t really know. If he is not ready, let him tell you. You are making assumptions.”

Wow…I was already judging their circumstances and responses before they told me.  Maybe it was my protective shield from dealing with rejection…

As I reflect on this, I remember the phrase “Seeing the world through ROSE-COLORED GLASSES.”

I realize that we often judge the word through our own “filters”:  Our experiences; how we see the world; our fears; our insecurities, etc.

We believe that the world should be AS WE SEE IT…not how it really it…

Now, when I am initially “appalled” or shocked when people don’t do or say or behave as I THINK they should, I am learning to ask myself:

• How did they ACTUALLY act?
• Is it in line with who I AM?
• Does that make it wrong?
• Did they break the law?
• Would I have personally acted differently?
• Have I had their experiences?

Sadly…we don’t see the world as it is. We see it how we THINK it should be.  If it doesn’t align with that—we automatically stamp it as “WRONG.”

This may be something we should all think more deeply about …

I know I am....

“We Will Perish Together as Fools…”

Honoring Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Today… Monday, January 20, 2014 is the day we honor the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

One of the most profound statements he made was:

“We must learn together as brothers, or we will perish together as fools.”

The more I “marinate” and meditate on this I find it affects me deeply.

It does not matter if you are Black – White – Hispanic – Asian;  Man – Woman – Child; Democrat – Republican – Independent – Tea Party;  …whatever.

Guess What?  We are all on the same “boat called LIFE.”

I am perplexed when I see one of the political parties stating that their agenda is “to make sure that this is a one-term president“ the day after his inauguration, turning down every piece of legislation he tried to get passed for the good of US ALL, and now find themselves "scratching their heads" during his 2^nd Term.

Saying “NO” just because... is beyond the adage “cutting off your nose to spite your face.”  The boat you keep punching holes in and refusing to plug is the SAME BOAT you are riding in!

The beauty and privilege of Democracy is not that we have to agree…it’s that, through our disagreements, we have respect for each other, find common ground, and compromise.

Other countries are watching us…our children are watching us…GOD is watching us… 

What are YOU going to do???


*** Note: Not sure of the rules for blogging. I just post when "the spirit hits me." ***

2014 NFC Championship Game: Seahawks vs. 49ers:

"29-Second Loyalty"

Although I am not a die-hard football fan, I do tend to become more engaged during the Playoffs.

Last Night's NFC Championship Game between the San Francisco 49ers and the Seattle Seahawks did not disappoint. It was a nail-biter until the very end. Seattle Seahawks win the games by a score of 23 - 17 and secure a trip to the Super Bowl to face the Denver Broncos.

Energy is High!  Blood is pumping! Players are very confident!  Maybe even Cocky....

The talk of the entire game is not about the excellent defense, the savvy offensive, or the amazing special teams.  It now centers around a 29-second interview or "rant" that Defensive Cornerback, Richard Sherman, had with Fox Sport's Erin Andrews. He was obviously angry with 49er's Richard Crabtree during the final play of the game. Regardless, it did seem somewhat inappropriate for someone who is now headed to the Super Bowl.

However...Social Media has gone nuts about this. Seahawk Fans are changing sides and hoping that Denver wins (because of it) ??? 

SERIOUSLY???

Throw out the window the blood-sweat-and-tears & sacrifices this team has made to make the fans and the city of Seattle proud.

So-called "Loyal, Die-Hard" Fans are going to be distracted by ONE players'

29-second "cocky-adrenaline-filled" personal rant and let that be the deciding factor of supporting this team onto the Super Bowl??

Have we really become so shallow??

Are you, as parents, willing to disown your children because they suffer a 29-second lapse in judgment?

Has FORGIVENESS been thrown out of the window?

HOW...do we expect God to forgive us when we fail to forgive each other?  Are any of us perfect?

Richard Sherman just needs to be allowed to calm down; come down off of his Victory "High"; be shown the Interview (now on YouTube); have to withstand Peer Pressure from his teammates about having more Humility & Class....

And them...encouraged to put it all on the line and bring Seattle back a Super Bowl Championship!

Fans...where is your loyalty to the Seattle Seahawks Team???

Regardless...at the end of the day...it IS just a game....

“Seeing the Unseen in 2014”

This is my church’s theme for this new year.

Our Assistant Minister, delivered a thought-provoking sermon based on this theme titled, "Will You SEE THE UNSEEN in 2014?" He mentioned that Things are not always as they appear.

As I reflect on it, I think how I/we often miss “Seeing the Unseen” on a daily basis:

  

DO YOU SEE…the maid who cleans up your hotel room?

DO YOU SEE…the cashier who has to ring up your basket of “deals” 
during the Black Friday Pre-Holiday Rush…who gave up their                   Thanksgiving Family Gathering??

DO YOU SEE…the janitorial staff that cleans your office or your church building?

Do YOU SEE…the mechanic changing the oil on your vehicle?

Do YOU SEE…the attendant taking your ticket as you enter to enjoy a concert?

DO YOU SEE…the receptionist at your doctor/dental appointment?

DO YOU SEE…the mail-delivery person, making sure you have your mail,
no matter what the weather?

DO YOU SEE…the person waiting on you at the restaurant, who lives off of your tips?

DO YOU SEE…the person delivering your pizza?

DO YOU SEE…the Crossing Guard at your child’s school?

DO YOU SEE…people’s birthdays, or those asking for prayer on Facebook?

DO YOU SEE…the family in your rear-view mirror at the McDonald’s 
Drive-Thru, counting quarters for the Dollar Menu?

DO YOU SEE…people who have a smile on their face, but pain in their eyes?

DO YOU SEE…the Greeter at Walmart?

DO YOU SEE…the person in the mobility cart at the grocery store?

DO YOU SEE…the baby waving “Hi!” to you ?

DO YOU SEE…the person who kindly let you in their lane, as you muscled your car in without blinking?

DO YOU SEE…the guys at the car wash, cleaning your vehicle?

DO YOU SEE…the employee at the Fast-Food restaurant Drive-Thru window?

Will you rise to the call to take notice, extend kindness, and be a blessing to others?

Will you pay attention and…SEE THE UNSEEN in 2014?

Calm in the Darkness...

I woke up suddenly at 4:58 a.m. this Saturday morning in total darkness.

(I have night lights in every room of my home, as well as a dimmer 
 on my bed-side lamp.)

I looked toward my small digital clock. Nothing...

I reached for my large flash light on my nightstand. Not working...

I immediately turned on the LED Flashlight app on my iPhone. 

Yes....Light!!!)

I CALMLY tapped my Touch Lights that I had hung strategically throughout my home. (Bedroom?...Yes!  Hallway?...Yes!  Bathroom?...No. Living Room?...Yes!)

I CALMLY looked outside my Patio. The entire Apartment Complex appeared dark, except the Emergency lights.

I CALMLY called my Apartment Complex Emergency Line.

(I was informed that the electricity was out in the entire complex. 
 The city electric company was aware since 4:00 a.m., and no
  estimated time- table was given. I felt her smile over the phone at
  my optimism and positive attitude.)

I CALMLY returned to sit on my bed and Pray...

"Thank You, Lord...for giving me the foresight to have made  

  preparations, i.e., flashlight, touch lights, etc.

 Thank You for revealing to me areas of improvement.

 Thank You for giving me a spirit of CALM in this darkness.

 Thank You for allowing me to wake up this morning.

 Thank You for your son, Jesus Christ.

 THANK YOU - THANK YOU - THANK YOU..."

At 5:22 a.m., the lights came back on.

The feeling of CALM remains....

When Life is “Raining Down”

None of us are immune to life’s ups and downs.

We can have great success today and utter devastation tomorrow.

I used to hear older people say, “Tomorrow is not promised.”

However, in these turbulent times, “The next minute” is not promised.

As I grow in my faith & in wisdom, I am learning to just embrace life…even when it’s “raining.” 

Oftentimes, we believe the rain is a bad thing. Why?

Because it is inconvenient and may make us wet. It can make us feel vulnerable and out-of-control. We have become so conditioned to be afraid of the rain, to avoid it at all costs.

However, God uses it to replenish the earth. It is vital to keep our lakes, rivers, and oceans filled. It is vital for all plant life & animal life in order to grow and thrive.

If we slow down to notice, we recognize that it can be soothing, tranquil, peaceful, and comforting.

I love these quotes:

"Sometimes you just have to bow your head, say a prayer, and weather the storm…” – author unknown

"Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.” – Bob Marley

*I hope my cousins don’t mind, but this photo taken of their 5-year old daughter just resonates this feeling for me.*

If You Want a Man to be a Man…Let Him!

An older “gentleman”…dear friend, church member & mentor wanted to thank me for my simple gesture of remembering his birthday with a card by taking me to lunch at

Old Charley's Restaurant.

He INSISTED on picking me up.

 (I offered to just meet him at the restaurant.)

He INSISTED on driving through a torrential rain storm to get me.

 (I offered to cancel because of the rain.)

He INSISTED on picking me up at my front door & escorting me to the car.

He INSISTED on opening my car door for me when we arrived.

(I was preparing to get out on my own, like I always do.)

He INSISTED on holding my umbrella for me to keep me from getting rained on. 

He INSISTED on holding the door open for me, as we entered the restaurant.

He INSISTED on me sitting down first.

He INSISTED on me ordering first.

He INSISTED on paying the check. 

He INSISTED on waiting for me while I went to the restroom.

         (I was prepared to meet him at the car.)

He INSISTED on holding the door open for me as we exited the restaurant.

He INSISTED on holding the door open for me when I got back in his car. 

He INSISTED on driving responsibly. 

He INSISTED on opening my car door for me, as we arrived at my home.

He INSISTED on walking me to my door.

I had seen him do this with his wife of 46 years. I thought it was endearing, but not practical.

I considered him “Old School.”  

I was not accustomed to being “vulnerable” to anyone.

However, why did I find this treatment so “uncalled for and kind of uncomfortable?”

Why, as women, are we now so conditioned to BE STRONG, BE INDEPENDENT, and BE IN CONTROL??

The Big Lesson here:  (As I question myself)

   

    You say you want a MAN to honor & cherish you & treat you like a Queen?

    Well then…You Have Got To Let Him….